for better…but what about when it’s worse?

**The following article was written by guest contributor, Ellen Gardner.**

My husband and I have been married for five years…not very long. But we have found ourselves in a pressure cooker more than once. Just to give you a glimpse: We found out we were pregnant just five months after our wedding; we had two babies just one year apart; we have moved four times; we found ourselves caught in the housing crisis with two homes in Florida worth far less than what we paid while renting a third house in PA; I had to go back to work full time to help with the finances; and we learned that our son has regressive autism. So yeah, I’d say our marriage has been under some heat.

After this last move, we both recognized a little distance in our relationship. We were quieter around each other and we didn’t feel that sense of closeness. Much of it had to do with my up and down emotions; but still, we weren’t “us.” As one of four girls growing up in a household of expressive people who talked everything out, the silence was torturing me. In the midst of all of these challenges, how could we reignite that passion and that friendship that, I believe, God used to bring us together in the first place?

Here is what we are doing and what is working:

We talk about it. We confront the elephant in the room. We swallow our pride and put it out on the table. “Something isn’t going right. What could it be?”

We made intimacy a priority – even when one of us doesn’t think he/she has the energy. (I guess I should say even when I don’t think I have the energy. Somehow, he always has the energy.)

We started waking up early in the mornings for special time together. We discuss and pray over issues together. My husband leaves at 7am, so it isn’t easy but we have found that it is when we are most open with each other. I get to learn about things at his work that he wouldn’t otherwise share because at the end of the day he is either too tired to or I am too tired to show sufficient interest. After a cup of coffee and with the kids still asleep, now we find ourselves wishing there was more time.

We pursued a hobby that we can do together. My husband’s choice is golf but with two toddlers and in order to save time and money we settled on tennis. Each week, a high school neighbor comes over for an hour or two to babysit so that we can go to the public courts down the road. It makes for a cheap date and exercise! Best of both worlds. Even going for an evening walk or playing cards can do wonders for a relationship. These days we’ve got to remember: less television - talk more!

Date night is not an option. At least two times a month we go out without the kids and have “us” time. It can be just us or with another couple/group. Kids are a blessing from God but sometimes an uninterrupted conversation while we are all dolled up makes that intimacy part even easier, if you catch my drift. Experience your town together! Go out there and discover culture!

Date night discussions cannot include major issues (thanks to my friend Arden for that nugget). For us, we do our best not to mention “autism” or financial problems during date nights. There are plenty of other times we can discuss such serious matters (such as in the morning or at home after the kids go down). Date nights are a time of rest and leisure – only laughing and lounging with a great glass of wine allowed!

We have our own thing. This one has been harder for me because I tend to think we should have family time, family time, family time. But this is a must to prevent resentment down the road. Guys really need this. But it is just as important for women/moms to seek out a “you thing” after pouring yourself into the kids, work, home, etc. Whenever Mitch wants to golf or join a softball team, he always insists that I add something to my schedule, too. Although I’m hesitant at first, now I go for it! It really has encouraged me to grow in my passions and hobbies and, in turn, it is making me a more rounded person. Mitch will golf, play basketball or softball and I have girl time, enjoy my tennis lessons, read, go to the gym, take a few hours to sit in a coffee shop and write, etc. (These things are also essential to pursue when you move a lot it can be so lonely.) CLARITY: I do not think that “having your own thing” includes frequently going out and getting drunk or shopping your money away. I have yet to read a marital success story on how “going out with the boys until the wee hours of the morning every Friday night saved my marriage” or “overspending on name brands brought intimacy back into our relationship.” Try to do something that is healthy for the mind, soul, spirit and wallet. And try to make being with the family the norm and doing your own thing a rarer, treasured gem.

I know that Mitch and I will experience more turbulence in the future. It is a given. But by purposefully committing to the actions above we are saying to each other, “You are the most important person in my life.” Because, even though sometimes I need to be reminded of that, it is how it should be. Kids will grow up and move out, careers will retire, hobbies will fade away with age – but, if we do it right, our spouses will be there as long as we both shall live.